All my life I ran away, trying to escape my pain
only to find that it is still here, staring me between the eyeballs.
I see clearly the root of it now, and I realize I desperately need to grieve
the loss of what I unfortunately never received as a child from my father.
Of course I drew all the wrong men into my life because it was just a repeat
of what I was accustomed to growing up with, emotional neglect and abandonment.
The worst part of it is, the feelings the neglect left me with. Not just with never having the proper attention from my birth mother, but most especially from my father.
I realize today, that He had no tools, but I am definitely not make excusing for him.
How is it that I am of this age and still do not have a close relationship with him?
I must grieve what I never had, forgive him, and look to my heavenly Father for
the value within myself that He has placed upon me. This is the hardest thing.
Having to learn what I mean to my Father in heaven. That the feelings I have been
left with from abandonment and neglect is not my Heavenly Father's value of me.
It is very difficult to break through because my imprint from life experience has
no resemblance of God's feelings and value of me. Father help me!
I must be delivered from these terrible feelings deep within my soul. That I am nothing. I have no value. That I am not good enough, nor worthy enough to be loved.
I need the healing of the Father and nothing else will do. I need to forgive my father
and release Him to you Father. I must grieve my loss and look to you now! Selah.
Oftentimes we wish we were just one consistent way.
In the past, I had found myself saying, "This isn't who I am",
or "This isn't like me." But the truth is, the sooner we can
accept that that we are many ways, and not just, "one way",
we can on with the business of life!
The problem comes when we refuse to accept the "unhappy"
part of ourselves. We are really rejecting the unhealed parts
of ourselves, and only accepting the "happy" parts. This is
not loving nor kind. The way I look at it is, in this world there
is much hardship, and the very least we can do is be good to ourselves.
Self-love, self-care, self-respect, etc.,, are critical for each of us
to have a successful life. What does that mean? For me, "success"
is measured by the love I can extend to God, myself, and others.
If I do not love myself with the Love God has put within my heart
I certainly will not be successful in loving others.
Let's make the decision today to unlearn wrong beliefs about ourselves,
but beginning with wrong beliefs about God which spiral into our
everyday lives onto ourselves and others, and to replace them with
the truth of God's love for us! This is critical in having a successful life.
Let's "put off" the old and "put on" the new. Our role is to acknowledge
the lies we have believed about God which have effected our lives, and
get a right understanding of who He is, His Love for us, and begin anew!
When the life has been knocked out of you
from unexpected disappointment,
it can truly throw into a tailspin.
The only way out of this shock
is to surrender it to God.
There is simply no time for this derailment.
Why are we here again? Why this disappointment again?
I see that the change needs to happen within me.
How do I guard my own heart from this repeated sorrow?
I see my pattern is to pour out all my love
but when the other person is not the same
it's just not a safe place to be.
I will always be responsible for my heart,
so I need to do things differently.
I wish I could get away from the pain of disappointment.
As long as I realize that I need to take responsibility
for my own feelings and I need to make right decisions
for myself, I hope to advance forward into healthy decision making.
I don't think that pain is something we are supposed to live with.
There is unavoidable pain I suppose, but I am not referring to that.
What I am addressing is, due to the self-esteem we have had, or not had for that matter we continue on in unhealthy relationships. This pain from these
relationships is what I am referring to.
Something has to be done. We cannot continue on feeling dishonored by
our friends. I understand that it has nothing to do with ourselves in this
matter when they never really have honored us. We have simply put up
with this for way too long. God is not glorified in this. It brings him only
grief and sadness. If He honors us, He would want us to honor one another.
We have all the power in the world over our own decisions. This God has
given to us. We have got to make "right" decisions for our lives. God gives
us free choice and that will always be ours. Let's talk with God about our
unhealthy relationships and ask Him how to proceed in our best interest.
Though it may be scary to confront our loved ones, we must be true to God
by being true to ourselves and take good care of ourselves! Selah.
It amazes me how long I've been in denial.
We learn to survive, and in order to do so,
we deny our reality. Time!
Truth hurts and why would anyone want to feel it?!
It all makes so much sense to me now why I've
chosen the partners I have. Par for the course.
There comes a time when we cannot take on
the garbage anymore. Taking a stand will
certainly ruffle other's feathers, but we need to.
Life is not easy for sure, and there are these times
that we are called to "draw a line in the sand."
It is not pleasant nor popular, but it is necessary.
As a women I understand that I need to use great wisdom
in this life with men. God expects me to be a good steward
of this life He has given to me for His purposes and His Glory!
I am learning very important things these days as I relate to men.
What once was my "MO", is no longer. I have tools and hellacious
experiences that have taught me there is another way!
My only expectation should come from God, but in love relationships
we do expect in our humanness. I realize that it is of the utmost
importance to be with a sensitive man who is able to care for a heart.
God does have a man for each of His daughters and we cannot give up
in our expectation from God in this matter. We need to continue to
trust our Father in Heaven to make this perfect match in His time.
Let's not give up hope, but let's "be wise as serpents and harmless
as doves." Let's think clearly and get the healing we need so that
we aren't blinded to wrong relationships out of our brokenness.
We all need safe people.
We cannot do life without them.
Prayer is imperative to have these
jewels in our corner.
It's not so much what we say,
but what we do, we've all heard it said.
Let's "put our money where our mouth is";
Let's let God transform us into His people.
I am nothing without Him. But in Him,
there is greatness for my future and my destiny.
Can we lay down the things of the world today
and set out on the course Yeshua walked for us?
I've heard it said, "When we have no more fear
of death, we can really begin to live!"
I am facing my mortality in these days and
I know the time is short. Let's live well!
