No escape

All my life I ran away, trying to escape my pain
only to find that it is still here, staring me between the eyeballs.

I see clearly the root of it now, and I realize I desperately need to grieve
the loss of what I unfortunately never received as a child from my father. 

Of course I drew all the wrong men into my life because it was just a repeat
of what I was accustomed to growing up with, emotional neglect and abandonment. 

The worst part of it is, the feelings the neglect left me with.  Not just with never having the proper attention from my birth mother, but most especially from my father.

I realize today, that He had no tools, but I am definitely not make excusing for him.
How is it that I am of this age and still do not have a close relationship with him?

I must grieve what I never had, forgive him, and look to my heavenly Father for 
the value within myself that He has placed upon me.  This is the hardest thing.

Having to learn what I mean to my Father in heaven.  That the feelings I have been 
left with from abandonment and neglect is not my Heavenly Father's value of me.

It is very difficult to break through because my imprint from life experience has
no resemblance of God's feelings and value of me.   Father help me!  

I must be delivered from these terrible feelings deep within my soul.  That I am nothing.  I have no value. That I am not good enough, nor worthy enough to be loved.  
I need the healing of the Father and nothing else will do.   I need to forgive my father
and release Him to you Father.  I must grieve my loss and look to you now!   Selah.