Treasures

The secret things of the heart are a treasure. 
Do we know how to value this in others?
Each time we share our jewels with another,
do they recognize the trust we have granted them?
We've honored them and extended the privilege to them
of coming on our life journey.  
The hidden things of the heart is what keeps us alive!  

 

My friend

Rolling and rolling, turning and spinning,
richocheting off every corner. 
Which way is up? 

Four walls closing in, where is the answer?
Return to the ancient paths, and to those
who have lived longer.  Wisdom is found
in the one's we greatly admire.

Churning and tossing, struggling for the
next breath,  finally tears come, and I
breathe again. 

Do I step forward and jump into what may be
a huge divide without a parachoot? 
He will always be there for me, but I dread
having to pick up the pieces once again.

Is it possible to live "Just for today?"
He said, "take no thought for tomorrow",
but how can I do that, knowing I may be off
the tracks?

I wait for divine guidance to lead me straight,
knowing that peace is of the utmost importance, and as
always, is my reliable barometer in choosing which path to take.

Don't ever leave me Lord, stay close, as I listen for your voice,
help me to walk out your perfect will for my life.  Selah.

Waves of Passion

Billowing passion of life waves through my heart,
breaking me over and over again.

Wasn't it His journey too?
The Father said He was 100% man,
identifying with me in all of my experiences.

Oh Son of God, will you carry me through?
I realize it's not about "pushing" my emotions away,
but bringing you into them, and exposing my heart completely
to you.

It is then, that You will do your most perfect work in me,
for it is only the broken who will see Your Glory,
as we identify with your sufferings,
and walk hand and hand with You.

Savior, redeemer, lover and friend,
come to me and marry me, and may our Oneness never end.

Mirrors

Impressions of you through the passing doors,
wondering what it is you want?

My heart is so sad, it grieves for what once was.
There is nothing left to do, but accept, and hold on.

Refined like gold on a potter's wheel, a sculpture
chiseled out of fire, are we done yet?

Lord, I humbly bow before your throne,
please heal me and make me ready for your own.

Reality Sets In

Seeing your face so many times,
a passing shadow in my memories.

How beautiful and inviting your presence
once was.  Now my heart door is closed.

How sad it is that you will leave,
and we're now only a history of what was,
for a short, deep tie.

It is no more.

Come away with me

Lord, I want to get off this bus ride.
I want to get out of this cycle, this public arena,
and come away with you. 
I know you are waiting for me.
For you said,  "Today, you make all things NEW!"

I finally met a man who wants to look after my heart.
Who surpasses all others in communicaton.
Who is not looking to take advantage,
but wants to experience the "real thing".

He doesn't know you, He has not heard.
Can WE lead him there? 
The grief of having to walk away,
the unsettling feeling of not being equally yoked,
but also knowing I am the only one in his sphere that knows YOU.

I cry out to You Lord, for only you know the beginning from the end.
What is Your will?  Am I caught in legalism, and peer pressure,
or am I hearing Your voice?    "To loose not one of them." 

How do I balance my witness, and not get attached to him?
My heart is grieved, as you have put these desires in my heart.
Why now, after having waited so long, for such as one as this?
Please direct my steps, and give me your peace, unlike any other.
Selah.

Fertile Ground

Self-denial is the theme, continually.

What to do with this heart? 
The perpetual question.

Letting go, the true test of faith.

In a city where everyone stands alone,
I am left at the feet of my Saviour.

Why do we have to "go" to receive a fresh infilling?
Why can't we stay at "home" with Him and receive the same?

Where is your voice for me now?

Boaz

Have you seen him?  He is gentle, kind, manly, compassionate, protective, caring, understanding, patient, secure in himself, and loves unconditionally.  Let me know when you find him. 

Ruth

Top shelf

When we say we are dealing with life, are we really?  Or have we just put the painful feelings away in a compartment, along with all the other uncomfortable things we don't want to face?   I ask myself this.  Where did the shock of the trauma go?   Where have I put it?   Have I talked about it with someone who is interested in listening to me?  Have I written about it?  Have I cryed about it?  Have I talked to G-d about it?  Have I sat in the pain of these feelings?   This is a great challenge for me.  Sitting with painful feelings.  I never learned how to, until 2000, when I walked into the rooms of Al-anon.   It's been a process, and I have reclaimed my life.   However the last two years plus, I haven't had the opportunity to attend these meetings, as I've been in survival mode.  My G-d has taken me on such an incredible adventure here, and I am no longer running to and fro, looking for "something".  I've learned how to be a homebody, and I love it.  For the first time in my life, I don't feel the need to run.  I believe it is because I am finally home! 

Deception run rampid

Why is it we think we know what we are getting, to discover we are completely clueless, and worse than that, have been deceived in matters pertaining to the heart.  We hear about heartaches from friends, as we must "rotate" the cycle, and our hearts grieve deeply for them.  It's so discouraging, disillusioning as well, to know that when you thought you knew someone, you didn't.  I find where I live, it's very serious to guard my heart, as it is a very unique place, one-of-a-kind actually.   But no matter where I reside, I've been given one heart to care for, and no one deserves it, unless they have proven to be trust worthy.   In my past I have given one the benefit of the doubt, assumed one would be responsible with my heart, only to discover the complete opposite was true.  A very hard lesson to learn.  But I learned it indeed.  The only thing I can rely on, is trusting the Spirit of G-d within me.  No words of one can convince me, what my feelings are not saying.  My insides must testify to the truth, they are always correct, but making a choice to follow them, is exactly that, a choice.  A very important choice, often, that choice is a matter of life or death.  Selah.

Maintaining Autonomy

Some times I wonder if being constantly in "community" is advantageous to my individuality and uniqueness.  I must be careful to not become "one of the crowd".  The enemy of my soul would love me to sit down, shut up, and blend in.  Funnily, Adonai said to me last week, "I have not called you to blend in."  A light shines in the darkness, and that is what I am.  I was never made to "be one of the crowd".  I am my own unique person with gifts and talents that He has given to me for His Glory.  I also wonder about the health of this constant "community" with others for another reason.  Can one continue to be an emmotional pillar for others, if he is not getting sufficient time alone with G-d?  My relationship with Adonai must have balance.   Personal worship alone with G-d balanced with corporate, (community) worship.  Cultivation happens on the inside, not in the "Body".    Those of us in the "Body" must be careful to not allow others to lead us astray, and "blend" in, when we were never meant to do so.  You know who you are, and if you don't, ask Adonai.    We are all important and special, and need to pay attention to the red lights as we drive along.   That's our responsibility. 

Trevail

What do we do with the one who is screaming so loud because his insides are shaking from the hell he has endured all of his life.  When once he indeed was a victim, he still believes he is today, so many years later.  He's still living in his childhood, and desperate to find a way out, but his vicious cycle goes round and round like a hampster on his wheel.  How exhausting this must be for this hurting soul. I am troubled because I see the pain he is in, reacting everywhere, spitting venom at who ever is in his path.  The nuturer in me wants to make it better, and deliver the "child" from so much emmotional agony, but it's not in my power.  I am left with only one thing to do.  PRAY!

Solidified

You can't take it away from me.  You can't manipulate it.  You can't sway me in your direction.  You can't color my view.  You can't undermine it.  You can't cause me to betray it.  You can't diminish it.  You can't talk it out of me.  You can't scare it out of me.  You can only share in it if you choose.   That would be my pleasure and my delight! 

                                            

                       FAITH

Over the Edge

People need our voice!  We've got to come out of our trauma's, and be real.   We've got to stop projecting our childhood dysfunctional relationships onto other's in our lives.   My life was tied up in fear, always.  I realize now, that the fear of being rejected that I put onto others, is soley that, my fear.  Not reality.  It's the child, who hasn't been able to come out of the hiding place, and face life on life's terms.  The familiar is deadly!  It leads to no where but fear, and fear paralyzes.   We think that people want us to acquiesce to their desires or needs, but it's not true.  They deeply need us to input who we are for themselves.  Someone's got to challenge them, and someone's got to challenge us, or else how do we ever evolve?

Mercy and Grace

Fear vs. fear, dead end.

Where can we go from here?  No where.

Someone must put on the drivers cap, and lead us along.

I go to you G-d, let Him come to me.

Closed doors answer our questions, always. 

Help me to accept the reality,

and let go for my destiny!

Dissapointment

A new appointment waiting to happen.  It does nothing else but throw me into the very arms of the One who fashioned me from the beginnings of time.  Every dissapointment points me to the River of Life.  I am reminded that there is no one who can quench my thirst but Him.  His Spirit quickens mine that I must forgive immediately and bless the one who's injured me.  In this way, the River of Life can flow uninteruptedly through me, and we can all move on.  To love is to know you're alive.  It is true, it is better to have loved and to feel the grief of having lost it, then to remain numb, incapable of allowing love in.  Grief is a beautiful thing, our tears remind us that we are very much alive, and to live, means to love.  My Fountain will never run dry, but I must keep my mouth open so I can continue to drink from Him.  Amen.

My journey home

So many books written by so many people, why would anyone take interest in mine?  This lie from from the pit has deterred me, and perhaps many others from putting their story down on paper.  

Often times, when I've been down and out, walloped really badly, a poem will come forth.  It is a catharsis, and in completing one or many is rewarding because at least out of the hell, came a genuine authentic creation.  For this I'm greatful.

For those of you who don't know why "Hepzibah" is my name on my blog, it is because it translates to, "I wanted you", spoken by Adonai, and G-d knows, this is the perfect nick name for me.  I am so very greatful to Him, for without Him, I am lost.  He is my everything!  In Him, I live and move and have my being! 

I am coming into my destiny!  My life is a challenge, but I like a good challenge.  G-d knows that.  I was made for His Glory!  When I follow Him, and do what He calls me to do, I cannot help feel His Glory, as in pleasing Him, I am filled with Joy, something this world cannot offer me.  Happiness passes, and is contingent upon material things, or fleeting "love" relationships, but real Joy, the kind Adonai promised us, is forever!

In His care,

Olive